In a move that has left theologians, architects, and fast-food enthusiasts equally baffled, former President Donald J. Trump has announced audacious plans to “renovate” the Vatican, transforming the sacred city-state into a gleaming monument to his personal brand. Speaking at a press conference from his Mar-a-Lago resort, Trump declared, “The Vatican, folks, it’s tired. Old. Sad. We’re gonna make it tremendous—yuge, really. Think Trump Hotels, the best rooms, and a McDonald’s right in St. Peter’s Square. Believe me, the Pope will love it.”
The proposal, dubbed “Vatican 2.0” by Trump’s team, envisions bulldozing centuries-old basilicas to erect a 50-story Trump Vatican Tower, complete with gold-plated suites, a casino, and a rooftop golf course. “The Sistine Chapel? Overrated. Dark. Nobody likes looking up that long,” Trump remarked, gesturing wildly. “We’ll put in a 4K flatscreen with Fox News on loop. Michelangelo, great guy, but he didn’t understand branding.”
The McDonald’s, Trump insists, is the centerpiece. “The Pope eats, right? Everybody loves a Big Mac. We’ll do a McBlessing Meal—fries, soda, and a little holy water on the side. It’s gonna be a game-changer.” Sources close to the project claim the menu will feature a “Trump Burger,” boasting “the best ingredients, nobody does beef like me.” Critics, however, point out that replacing the Vatican’s traditional fish-on-Fridays with Quarter Pounders might not sit well with the faithful.
Vatican officials, caught off guard, issued a polite but firm statement: “The Holy See appreciates Mr. Trump’s enthusiasm but prefers to maintain its 2,000-year-old aesthetic.” Undeterred, Trump claimed he had “tremendous support” from “top cardinals, the best ones,” though he declined to name them, citing “confidentiality, like with my taxes.”
Social media erupted with memes of a McDonald’s drive-thru snaking through the Vatican Gardens and a Trump-branded Pope waving from a gilded Popemobile. One X post quipped, “Nothing says ‘sacred’ like a Happy Meal toy of St. Peter.” Another user sarcastically suggested Trump might replace the Swiss Guard with “MAGA bouncers in red hats.”
Architectural purists are apoplectic. Renowned historian Dr. Maria Bellini called the plan “a cultural war crime wrapped in a Happy Meal box.” Meanwhile, McDonald’s corporate office issued a vague statement about “exploring global opportunities” but stopped short of endorsing the project, likely wary of alienating its Italian customer base, who still revere espresso over McFlurries.
Trump, ever the showman, doubled down, promising to personally fund the project “with my own money, which is a lot, folks.” He hinted at a reality show, Extreme Makeover: Vatican Edition, to document the transformation. “We’ll have the best ratings, better than Jesus’s sermons, which, frankly, were too long.”
As the world grapples with the absurdity, the Pope has scheduled an emergency meeting with his advisors, reportedly to discuss “spiritual resilience in the face of… whatever this is.” Meanwhile, Trump is already sketching plans for a “Trump Cathedral” with a neon sign reading, “Covfefe in Christ.”
In the eternal city, eternity just got a lot glitzier—and greasier.
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